I learned this weekend that I’m falling behind the times. I knew it would happen, I just assumed it wouldn’t be this soon. In actuality it probably happened five years ago and I never knew it. The first indication is that I’m way behind on the lingo. Take for example the word “hookup.” In my world it means just hangin out, having a good time, kissing a little, foolin around a little. Apparently in a high school teenager’s world it means all-out, full-blown sex in the back of mom and dad’s station wagon. (or I guess SUV these days). I’m not sure when the transference took place, but I definitely didn’t get the memo. And why did the meaning have to change? I know I have way more descriptive words for sex than the plain old innocuous “hooking up.” And maybe that’s the problem with youth today; sex has become too commonplace and innocuous that we don’t even need exciting words to talk about it anymore. (and that’s definitely notto say that I don’t whole-heartedly support sex for healthy vivacious twenty-fiveyear olds) My second indication that I’m becoming an old man came to me on Saturday.My cousin owns a Dairy Queen so she spends a lot of time with teenagers over the summer.She was telling me this story about the games kids play at parties these days andI was dumbfounded. Apparently kids have moved on from the classics like spin the bottle,truth or dare, seven in heaven, and now play the porno versions. One in particularis called “Smiles.” The object of the game is to guess the identity of a girl whois in disguise. So far this sounds like a fun-loving innocent party game. What I’vefailed to mention is that the girl is hidden from her waist up with a beach towel,drops her pants (yes, underwear an all) and then the guys have to guess who the girlis. While I have to admit that it’s a very imaginative game, it’s also extremely disturbingconsidering my new found longing to have a baby. (see next post) I’d be happy witha boy or a girl, but you better believe if I have a girl she ain’t goin to no partiesuntil she’s 24. Hell, she’s not even talking to guys until she’s 24.

Some of you may have heard that my brother and I are jointly throwing a party in August. In true college-esque fraternity fashion, the party will of course have a theme. Our thinking is that there is no better theme than one that centers around girls in coconut bras. Hence the name “Kelso’s First Annual Tiki Party” or something along those lines. Even though it’s officially a tiki party, to me it’s going to be a “Jeff goes back to college” party. Yes … you can expect kegs, jello shots, and grain. Also, in keeping with the fraternity tradition, provided we have enough time, we’re going the whole nine yards and gettin t-shirts made. The only problem is thinking of slogan. Here are some possibilities …Kelso’sFirst Annual Tiki Party … The sex was so good that even the neighbors had acigarette. We only drink on days ending with “y” If you didn’t find love at leastyou got leid Don’t worry, we’ve had our shots (next to a pic of shot glasses) Guys:No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge My girlfriend said that If I wentto Kelso’s First Annual Tiki Party she’d dump me … I’ll miss the bitch I Foughtthe Lawn and the Lawn Won Trouble has never come in such desirable packages Rememberour names … you’ll be screaming it later Could you hold my beer while I kiss yourgirlfriend? I hooked up with your girlfriend at Kelso’s First Annual Tiki Party andall I got was this lousy t-shirt We’re still on Double Secret Probation Sex InstructorFor Hire: First Lesson is FREE So if you’re reading this … you’re invited. Aug 9thor 16th, date still TBD.

long time, no post. I’m to the point where I must post something because in a few days my homepage will blank. (and then what would Chris “you’d make a terrible cubicle neighbor” Woolson and Jessica “now serving number 6″ Bailey do all day without having Project Futility to read?)Speaking of Chris and Jess … they totally ruined my Curseword Meeting Game today. We were having a dept meeting and Chris “I substitute the word butt for ass in front of my boss” Woolson had to let the entire dept onto one of the games I play to liven up meetings. Most of you have probably already read that post so I won’t bore you with the explanation. (see July 10th) To make a long story short … snickering ensued, attention was drawn, and now everyone knows that I wait with baited breath during meetings to hear coworkers inappropriately spew expletives just to find a little worth and happiness in a mostly pointless meeting. Enough said … Chris, you’re a pain in my as … butt.What else is going on? Oh yeah … how come no one wants to go out for a drink with me anymore? I understand drinking everynight isn’t exactly commonplace, but if my friends would gather together and collaborateon this dilemma, I’m sure an amicable solution could be achieved. For example, thisis the response I got a few days ago when wanting to go out for a drink …

Me:lets go out for a drink The Captain: no, silly boy. I need to finish up here and headto bed. Next time maybe. Sorry. Me: boo Me: what’s taob esuoh spelled backwards? TheCaptain: nononononono no!!!! Me: yes, say it, you know you want to Me: TAOB ESUOH!!!Me: ENO KINRD!!

Alas, there was no drinking (at least on The Captain’spart). What else is going on? As you can see, I’m stretching for topics here. (I canonly imagine how I’d handle a blind date (or any date for that matter)) How aboutthe old standby … Reality TV. 1) Surf Girls - what happened to Heidi? My goodbuddyTiVo must have missed an episode cause my favorite girl is gone. mmm Heidi. In theend I’m hoping a short-boarder wins cause I really can’t appreciate that long boardstyle of surfing. 2) Big Brother 4 - The cutest HouseGuest Michelle was just recentlyvoted out :( although I will miss her, I have to admit that she’s dumb as a box o’rocks. I’m still rooting for David cause you gotta love the “I’m crazy but extremelyintelligent” type. No matter what, I don’t think anyone can live up to BB2’s Will.And in addition to all that, the Man Troll Dana has just won head of household. :-/3) Cupid - Damn I want to kick Laura in the nose. Reason being because first of allshe’s a straight-up bitch who has way more self-confidence than what’s warranted byher horrendous looks and attitude, and because her nose is wretchedly crooked. I don’tknow what happened to her, but she really needs someone to set both her ego and hernose straight. 4) Boarding House: North Shore - Don’t ruin it for me, I got it onTiVo and I’m waiting to watch it. Sunny is my hero. 5) Real World - I only have onething to say about Real World … Mallory is the third cutest girl in the world. 6)Road Rules - Abe - misunderstood. There are so many more, but I’m really bored discussingreality tv … I’ll catch up on American Chopper, I’m With Busey, Making of the BandII, True Life, Last Comic Standing, Fraternity Life, Sorority Life, America’s TopModel, Anything for Love, The Bachelor 3, The Osbournes, American Juniors, Meet MyFolks, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Made, All American Girl, Diary, Scare Tactics,and Monster Garage later. (yes, I really do watch all these shows thanks to TiVo.)ok, time to go. ps - the majority of tonight’s post was written in a drunken stupor.I apologize for the grammatical errors. oh wait, one more thing … I just want toshare some of my favorite Dashboard Confessional lyrics … [yeah, they really weren'tnecessary]

Things have been pretty boring lately, but I guess I’ll write something if only for posterity’s sake …Monday we hit the Salford Pub for 10 cent wings. The lesson learned that night was that 10 cent wings are such a better deal than $6 all-you-can-eat wings at the Harleysville Hotel. I couldn’t get over the fact that I ate dinner for $1. I’ve also shamefully taken to drinking Michelob Ultra. You’d never know it though since I ravenously tear the labels off the bottle before I even have a chance to take a sip (the aforementioned ravenous tearing ensues because of a fierce combination of sexual frustration and humiliation of not drinking a real man’s beer) Yes, Ultra tastes like watered down light beer, but at least you get that bottle to lips sensation. I’m thinking I’m just more involved with my oral fixation on a beer bottle as opposed to actually drinking the beer.I bought a new TV the other day. Not only is it the mostbeautiful TV known to man, but it also carries the distinction of being the heaviestTV known to man. I’m glad that I bought it open box since I’m sure I made it evenmore “open box” as I lugged it down the walkway, into the house, up the stairs, theneventually hoisted atop my bedroom dresser. My fingers were definitely crossed whenI hit the power button cause there’s no way that thing is making it back to the store.So yeah, that’s about it. I’ve pretty much been reduced to getting drunkefied* after10 cent wings in front of my new TV. catch you later. * yes, drunkefied is my newmade-up-word. I needed a new one since “ecleptic” was getting old. Drinkefy is kindalike “stupefy“,only different.

Oh wow, I’m watching MTV’sTrue Life: I’m a High School Senior tonight and I’ve decided that I’d give myleft nut to go back to high school. If only I knew then what I know now. I used toget the same way when I watched MTV’s Fraternity Life. I really need to tear myselfaway from the TV. Especially since last night after seeing BoardingHouse: North Shore I convinced myself that I could be a surfer. (really, I could,I got the whole balance thing down … It’s just the heat summer heat that I havea problem with. Buy anyway, I digress … I’m watching True Life and what’s even moreamazing is that near the end of the show they show this girl dancing. My first thoughtis “I know that girl!” but obviously I didn’t. What I knew was her dancing. She dances exactly likea girl I know. So, the million dollar question for today is, when watching this video,can you figure out who’s being emulated in this scene. I’m tellin you, I could sithere all day and watch this video because it looks exactly like her. EXACTLY.I can only think of a few people that read the site who would know, but believe me,it’s a spitting image. (and very cute as well). I’ll post the answer in a few days.Until then, I got this video on loop.

I had a hellish string of meetings today that lasted four hours. To keep them interesting, I set up these little games in my head and compete with coworkers who don’t know they’re playing. For example, if Coworker A says the word “basically” more than 5 times in two turns at speaking, I win. I have much better examples, but certain coworkers (Nurse Jess, Chris The Addict, and others I probably don’t know about) read the site and then the rumors would start to fly. So anyway, today’s game was the cursing game. This one is especially fun to play when you’re having meetings with management. (I can’t help but snicker like a school kid when my boss curses.) The scoring system equates to one point for each curse word spoken by a coworker, times the shock factor. (damn rates like a 1 on the shock scale while the phrase “heads up their asses” is more like a 5) Amazingly, today was a high score day with the F Bomb being dropped four times. By VPs none the less. Ahh it was a good day for the cursing game.ps - LOOK CHRIS, YOU’RE A STAR, YOU FINALLY MADE IT TO MY WEBSITE. YOUR LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE. AT LAST YOUR WEBSITE ADDICTION HAS BROUGHT YOU SOME FICKLE FLEETING RECOGNITION.

CBS has picked the cast of BigBrother 4 (one of my favorite shows during the summer) and they’ve added an eviltwist. “The HouseGuests will be stunned to see some of their exes move in as competingHouseGuests. This means that some of the HouseGuests will be living with someone theythought was out of their lives. Will alliances form between the former couples, orwill old wounds be reopened?” EVIL EVIL EVIL. Hell, why don’t they just move in theex and their new boy/girlfriend? Ugh, I can see it now … ex-girlfriend movesin, hooks up with some other HouseGuest (either for strategy or sex), poor guy hasa mental breakdown and panic attacks for the next three months, gets kicked off theshow, later returns to the Big Brother house with a grocery bag full of grenades andstarts lobbing them over the compound’s walls. (at least that’s what I’d do anyway)This is by far the meanest thing ever attempted on television.